Living with depression

Mental health isn’t easy to write about, but it is important, so here’s my take on depression

---

When I first started this blog I decided it would only be about cycling; any other topics would be covered in my Idoru Knits blog. However, I’ve changed my mind and I’m going to extend the blog to general fitness and health, including mental health. It’s not easy to talk about mental health, but I believe it is important. So today I’m going to discuss my depression.

A lot of people suffer depression: about 350 million worldwide, according the World Health Organisation. Many of those people will have a mild episode which will be treated – either with talking therapies or antidepressants – and recover, never to suffer the illness again.

There are still days like this, but
they're far fewer than they used to be.

My depression isn’t like that, though. It’s just always there. I’m no longer on antidepressants. I came off them after four years and a course of cognitive behavioural therapy. Coming off them was a big step for me, one that meant a lot. But it didn’t mean that the depression had gone away. Part of dealing with this illness – for me, at least – was accepting that wasn’t ever going to go away.

On a day-to-day basis this doesn’t affect my life massively. There are certain things that I know will bring me down – not eating properly, not getting enough sleep, too much stress – but these are generally things that I would avoid anyway in pursuit of a (mostly) healthy lifestyle. I have to give myself extra time to recharge after a busy period at work and I can’t deal with crowds anymore.

I keep a mental eye on my mood. It’s normal for everyone to feel down sometimes, but I need to be aware of this in case it’s a sign that things are getting bad again. This isn’t just a pointless, navel-gazing exercise – it could save my life. I realise that sounds ridiculously melodramatic, but it is true. I’ve had three separate episodes of feeling suicidal and it’s only the love and support of friends and family (and antidepressants) that have kept me from acting on this.

Sometimes, however, I have bad days. These are days when even getting off the sofa is too much effort. They’re far fewer than they used to be and not as severe. Time was when I couldn’t even get out of bed, never mind make it to the sofa.

There was no way I was going to be able to carry out those plans. Leaving the house or doing actual physical exercise were beyond me

Sunday (17 January) was one such day. I had things planned. I was going to go on a bike ride. First to Wanstead Flats to see a Slavonian Grebe – a rare bird in London that’s been using the Heronry Pond on the flats as its home for the past week or so – then to Stoke Newington for lunch and a trawl of the charity shops.

There was no way I was going to be able to carry out those plans. Even knitting or reading was beyond me, never mind leaving the house or doing actual physical exercise. I hate it when this happens, when this illness stops me doing things I enjoy, things I’ve been looking forward to. But of course feeling like that is counter-productive. It makes me worse, giving the depression a stronger hold on me.

Part of living with depression for me is knowing when to give myself a break. Knowing that it’s OK to lie on the sofa listening to Radio 2 all day, and to not beat myself up when that happens. For me there’s no such thing as beating this illness or even of controlling it. It’s about dealing with it and not letting it beat me.

My 2015 cycling goals

Some notes on what I want to achieve on the bike this year

---

Since I first started cycling nearly two years ago I’ve developed a real love for it. I don’t just cycle to get to work, I don’t just cycle for fitness – although these things are factors. I cycle because it makes me happy, because I enjoy it.

This year I want to capitalise on that enjoyment and go further and faster. I absolutely loved taking part in the London to Cambridge last year, so in 2015 I want to do more sportives. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to ride 60 miles in one go, but far from being destroyed by the end of it I felt energised and wanted to go even further. So I’ve registered for the London 100. I find out next month if I’ve been successful.

Me on completing the London to Cambridge.

There are loads of other sportives all over the country, with distances ranging from about 45 miles up to 100. Some are charity rides, others are organised by various cycling organisations. I really like the idea of choosing somewhere like the New Forest and making a weekend of it: heading down the day before, exploring the area and staying a couple of nights in a hotel. I could do a few throughout the year, heading off to different parts of the country.

The UK’s first Gran Fondo is taking place in Cambridge and I’d love to take part. The Tour of Cambridgeshire starts and ends in Peterborough and is a 82-mile ride through the Cambridgeshire countryside. Taking place on 7 June it would be excellent training for the London 100 on 2 August.

Obviously this means I’ll have to invest in a new bike

My final two goals are self-organised. First I want to do some longer solo rides (or rides with friends if anyone wants to come with me!). The idea is to choose somewhere at least 30 miles away, book a room in a B&B, pack an overnight bag and head off. I’ll cycle home the next day. Current favourite candidates are Southend, Ware and Wivenhoe.

I also want to cycle the whole of the Hadrian’s Cycleway. This 174-mile Sustrans route crosses England, from Ravenglass on the Cumbrian coast to South Shields in Co Durham. It’s usually cycled west to east. It goes through some stunning countryside, passing Roman forts, museums, quaint villages and picturesque market towns. It sounds gorgeous, as well as being a real challenge.

According to the Sustrans website, most people can complete it in three days, but I think I’d like to give myself four or five; for one thing I want time to stop and enjoy the scenery as I go. Obviously this means I’ll have to invest in a new bike. Florence can’t have pannier racks fitted, and I’ll need these (probably both front and back) in order to carry everything I’ll need for four-day road trip.

 So there we have it. My goals for 2015 – I'll keep you updated on how I do throughout the year.